How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
