Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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