the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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