Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
