why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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