The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
