i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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