yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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