Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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