You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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