did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
