Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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