The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
