Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
