I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
