it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
