your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
