you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
