so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
