If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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