why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize