I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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