when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
