It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
