She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
3 2 1 whiskey
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
