I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
