so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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