$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
