Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
