i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
