I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
