I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
