There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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