Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
