Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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