So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
