His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
