You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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