i need an iv and a liver transplant
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
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I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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