I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
