A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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