my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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