Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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