I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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