Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
