Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
