help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
my shit smells like andre
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
