Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
