Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
