I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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