Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
