Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
