the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
