He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
