So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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